Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

 

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

 

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

 

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

 

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

 

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

 

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

 

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

 

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

 

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

 

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

 

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

 

 The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

 

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

 

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

 

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

 

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

 

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

 

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

 

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.   

 

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

 

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

 

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

 

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

 

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

 

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

 

If you can see CHUCK NORRIS, CHUCK NORRIS can see you. If you can't see him, you may be seconds away from death

 

There is no such thing as evolution, just a list of species that Chuck Norris has allowed to survive.

 

Once Chuck Norris went to the Superbowl. He beat the Steelers 45 Ð 3.

 

Chuck Norris never wears a motorcycle helmet. The concrete always scoots out of the way.

 

They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Unless Chuck Norris is on the other side, in which case the grass is soaked with blood and tears.

 

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

 

There are in fact five elemental forces; Strong, weak, electromagnetic, gravitation and Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris has been dead for years. Death is afraid to come get him.

 

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is now measuring tropical storms and hurricanes in categories of Norris Roundhouse Kicks (NRK).

 

Chuck Norris bends light through sheer willpower.

 

The driving method portrayed by the Flintstones was actually pioneered by Chuck Norris. Chuck was unable to find an engine that would be able to power his vehicle via either beard or roundhouse kick. Chuck instead roundhouse kicks the ground in a flutter motion, thereby propelling his vehicle forward at a high rate of speed. This has led to Chuck winning the Nextel Cup since its' inception.

 

Chuck Norris came to my BBQ last summer, ate all the red hot charcoal out of the grill and then proceeded to fart out large diamonds for the ladies in the awe-struck crowd.

 

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Chuck Norris and forgot to pay him back.

 

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

 

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

 

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

 

Darkness is not the absence of light. It is the presence of Chuck Norris.

 

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Chuck Norris punched himself in the face.

 

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

 

You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

 

In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

 

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

 

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's hassles.

 

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

 

Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

 

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

 

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

 

Due to Chuck Norris, stars also have comet-like trails, but no one on earth can see them. Comets have visible trails because the roundhouse kick that sent them flying has warped our perception of spacetime.

 

When Chuck Norris needs new clothes, he stares down raw textiles. They become terrified and weave themselves into garments.

 

Chuck Norris once ate a RubricÕs Cube, and pooped it out solved.

 

As well as being an actor, martial artist, and poet, Chuck Norris is also a world renowned physicist. It was in this capacity that he once had a disagreement about steady-state theory with Stephen Hawking. Hence the wheelchair.

 

While filming Lone Wolf McQuade, Chuck Norris discovered the Unified Field Theory of Physics while eating a cheese danish. Chuck realized that the world was not ready for this information, so he wrote the equations on the cheese danish and threw it into an elliptical orbit which takes it past the orbit of Neptune. Every 65 years the danish will return until Man is ready for the knowledge.

 

Black holes are stars hiding from the gaze of Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't dance. Because if he did, the space-time continuum would rip, and all life on Earth would cease.

 

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side

 

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter

 

Chuck Norris can make a traffic light change, merely by staring at it long enough.

 

Once Chuck Norris was so impressed with the power of his roundhouse kick that he neglected to control it, and the resulting tear in the fabric of space-time took him back almost a century and a half.

 

Upon arriving in the 19th century, Chuck was astounded that, given his obvious ability to travel through time, the mortals present hadn't heard of him. In his rage, he began kicking people into the sun, and both the Union and the Confederacy sent armies to stop him. This was the real cause of all the deaths at Gettysburg.

 

After defeating both countries, Chuck Norris used his roundhouse-kicking time travel to journey into the future. Dismayed that he was only considered a demigod by our posterity, he destroyed the future with a series of grunts and glares. This is why no one from the future has come back in time to our present.

 

Despite the fact that his immense kicking prowess had completely obliterated creation itself, Chuck's power was so great that that entropy wouldn't touch him. With a final roundhouse kick, Chuck went back to the nothingness at the beginning of time, and set the universe back in motion with a spinning roundhouse; this was the Big Bang.

 

Chuck Norris created the entire socio-political ideology of Communism in 34 minutes, just to have somebody to kill in the movie "Invasion USA".

 

Chuck Norris can fly, he simply chooses not to.

 

The US doesn't launch satellites. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks them into orbit.

 

Chuck Norris once looked at a black hole, which caused it to turn into a white dwarf from pure terror.

 

When a germ or infection enters Chuck Norris' bloodstream, his white blood cells simply stare at it, and it leaves.

 

When Sartre said "hell is other people", he was actually talking about Chuck Norris. He just said "other people" to avoid offending Chuck Norris.

 

After renting Delta Force on DVD, Stanley Kubrick cried uncontrollably for 2 weeks straight. He held a little known press conference, while crying, in which he stated that "the filmmaking industry has no reason to exist anymore, and I have no reason to make films. I will retire now, ashamed of my meek accomplishments, and try to find a career that I can succeed in." He died that night. The official doctor's diagnosis: A broken heart

 

"Chuck Norris" is a safe word that works for all jungle beasts.

 

Black cats do not cross Chuck Norris' path.

 

When Chuck Norris' remote control batteries die, the remote continues to function out of pure terror.

 

Chuck Norris was originally cast as John Morgan in the movie "A Man Called Horse". Richard Harris only got the role once it was discovered that no blade could penetrate Chuck Norris' chest.

 

That giant crater in Australia was formed when Chuck Norris' parachute didn't open. After impact, Chuck Norris promptly dusted off his flannel shirt and jeans and walked across the Pacific Ocean to Los Angeles.

 

For every answer on the SAT test, write in "Chuck Norris". You will automatically score a 1600.

 

Chuck Norris is the sound of one hand clapping.

 

Chuck Norris has never been beaten. The only reason people stopped worshipping the old gods was that it became apparent that Chuck Norris would easily defeat the forces of chaos at the Ragnarok, so there was little point in worrying about it ourselves.

 

Chuck Norris once hit a little-known actor named Bart Eubanks so hard that he's still swollen and black and blue from head to toe to this very day; this man is now known as Mr. T.

 

Chuck Norris once kicked his training bag so hard that the shockwave traveled halfway around the world; this is what made George Bush vomit in the lap of a Japanese politician.

 

Global warming isn't caused by human emissions; Chuck Norris simply scares ozone.

 

The only reason there's a Gulf of Mexico is that Chuck Norris wanted beachfront property for his ranch in Texas. The moment he decided this, a quarter of the continent sunk to avoid a roundhouse kick.

 

There is no such thing as a tornado, Chuck Norris just really hates trailer parks.

 

Chuck Norris shot Liberty Valence. After he roundhouse kicked him.

 

The Titanic sank when it struck Chuck Norris doing laps in the North Atlantic. Chuck Norris would have stopped to save the survivors but he didn't notice the impact.

 

Chuck Norris once tried to use Occam's Razor. The universe imploded, but Norris' beard was untouched.

 

Chuck Norris can eat only one Lays potato chip.

 

Chuck Norris once got a flat tire on the New Jersey Turnpike. That's why he made the rest of the country hate New Jersey. They've been collecting tolls ever since in hopes of raising enough payoff money in case it ever happens again.

 

Once, a NASCAR engine builder used Chuck Norris' chest hairs instead of titanium valve lifter springs. His car won, of course.

 

Chuck Norris looked into a mirror and saw the only thing that could ever frighten him. He then roundhouse kicked his image so hard that the mirror got all sticky like in the Matrix or that video from the 80s when you find out the mirror is really water. Because of the obvious result of disproving both Goedel's Incompleteness Theorem and String Theory. David Hasselhoff emerged from the pieces of mirror, much like what happened to Ash when he went back in time, only much cooler.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't have a bad memory. Anything he forgets never happened.

 

When Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier, he saw Chuck Norris sitting in a LA-Z Boy on the other side.

 

Chuck Norris breaks EPA regulations on greenhouse gas emissions every time he exhales.

 

Chuck Norris knows how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. One time, a man tricked Chuck Norris into divulging this secret. That man's name was James Hoffa.

 

In Hollywood, they once tried to get impressions of Chuck Norris' fists in cement. The result is called the San Andreas Fault.

 

Chuck Norris talks about Fight Club.

 

Chuck Norris was crossing the road one day and invented the short bus.

 

Upon the explosion of the Exxon-Valdez oil tanker in 1989, President Bush asked Chuck Norris to assist in the cleanup. Upon this, Chuck Norris drank the oil. He then took an Eskimo as his bride. This is where Yeti come from.

 

There is no Santa Claus. Actually, on Christmas Eve, Chuck Norris circumnavigates the globe in his pickup truck dispensing gifts to good children and roundhouse kicks to bad ones. The children, upon receiving these kicks, die.

 

An indestructible element has been discovered and added to the periodic table of elements. Norrisite. And just out of spite, Chuck Norris roundhoused kicked it, compressing it into a higher quantum state. It's there, or not there, or there AND not there.

 

Chuck Norris Federal Credit Union (CNFCU) has no collections department. The dumbest man alive isn't dumb enough to default on a payment to CNFCU.

 

In 1942, Chuck Norris was an experimental rocket-plane test pilot. His first flight lost control at forty-two thousand feet and crashed. Emergency response personnel were greeted by a roundhouse kick to the face through the smoke. One man's helmet flew off and achieved orbit. The Soviet Union named it Sputnik.

 

Chuck Norris holds the world record for the most honorary college degrees, he has every degree for every college worldwide. Not that he wants them, but they were given on the off chance that he might.

 

On June 30, 1908, Chuck Norris was sampling some spicy native cuisine in northern Siberia. It's a fact. Google the "Tunguska Event".

 

It's a little known, but well documented fact that on Mount Rushmore, over 50% of George Washington's face is in fact spray painted bondo. Someone made the mistake of betting Chuck Norris that he couldn't eat rocks, and he proved him really, really wrong.

 

Chuck Norris was once stopped at a military checkpoint in western Russia. Moments later Soviet Russia collapsed and the cold war ended. You do not stop Chuck Norris on a beer run. Ever.

 

Chuck Norris's hands and feet are NOT registered deadly weapons. No man lives who can make him register. And you don't register the obvious.

 

Chuck Norris only missed with a roundhouse kick once. It was the end of the land known as Pangea.

 

Continents only drift to get away from Chuck Norris.

 

Hannibal didn't sack Rome. Chuck Norris did.

 

The moment Chuck Norris stops visualizing the universe, it will cease to exist.

 

The Arms Race only began after Chuck Norris was born.

 

L. Ron Hubbard founded Scientology only after being roundhoused in the head by Chuck Norris.

 

Some people whitewash fences. Chuck Norris just walks by.

 

It's a scientific fact that all vehicles experience 300% better gas mileage when driving AWAY from Chuck Norris.

 

The Earth's rotation was as an equal-but-opposite reaction to Chuck Norris's first kick.

 

When Chuck Norris flexes a muscle, the displaced air forms a shockwave loud enough to deafen anyone standing within seven feet.

 

Chuck Norris is living proof that boots AREN'T made for walkin'. They're made for kickin'.

 

The Gideons are so scared of Chuck Norris, they started putting his autobiography, "Against All Odds", in hotel rooms.

 

When Chuck Norris thinks happy thoughts, even B.B. King stops singing the blues.

 

Chuck Norris drinks a gallon of milk and eats a teaspoon of cinnamon and 50 eggs everyday, just for fun.

 

Chuck Norris knows where the beef is.

 

Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talkin' about.

 

Chuck Norris created a circle with corners.

 

When God kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden, Chuck Norris stayed because God was too afraid to ask him to leave.

 

Chuck Norris is both Christian and Jewish. How does he do it? Karate.

 

Nothing escapes the gravitation pull of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris loves Police Academy 2. This is the only reason why Steve Guttenberg is still alive.

 

Chuck Norris does not recycle because Chuck Norris wastes nothing.

 

Chuck Norris knows what rhymes with orange.

 

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? 17.

 

Chuck Norris is against human cloning simply because two of him would unravel the fabric of the universe.

 

Chuck Norris can listen to Vogon poetry.

 

Chuck Norris will not "be right back after these messages." He'll be back when he's good and ready. And you will be grateful for it. If you turn the channel, be prepared to face the wrath of Chuck.

 

The Mississippi River was carved out of the earth by the tears of the widows of Chuck Norris' victims.

 

Chuck Norris knows what's in the secret blend of 11 herbs and spices, after all he's 5 of them.

 

A lot of people think it was a dragon that killed Beowulf. But it was actually Chuck Norris.

 

HeisenbergÕs principle of uncertainty stipulates that the more precisely karate is determined, the less precisely the momentum of karate chops is known in this instant, and vice versa.

 

Chuck Norris does not eat legumes of any kind. The resultant flatulence would kill every living thing in the western hemisphere.

 

When Chuck Norris is around Weebles fall down.

 

Chuck Norris knows that critically interacting components self-organize to form potentially evolving structures exhibiting a hierarchy of emergent system properties.

 

Chuck Norris' summer home is the Fire Swamp.

 

William Wallace: Sons of Scotland! I am William Wallace.

Second Soldier: William Wallace is seven feet tall!

William Wallace: Yes, I've heard. Kills men by the hundreds. And if HE were here, he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse.

Second Soldier: No, dumbass. That's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris: You're damn right.

(he roundhouse kicks the English army, and frees Scotland and the universe is great forever)

 

Chuck Norris is more certain than death or taxes.

 

Chuck Norris seeing his own shadow = six more weeks of roundhouse kicks.

 

Chuck Norris's autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" was originally over 75,000,000 pages long. Chuck Norris killed the editor for cutting it down even though he agreed with all the changes.

 

Chuck Norris can yell "Fire!" in a crowded movie theater. It's a little known provision of the First Amendment.

 

Bigfoot didn't believe in Chuck Norris. That was his first mistake.

 

Chuck decided to find out what happens when an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object. He roundhouse kicked his beard and the universe simply blinked out of existence.

 

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

 

With a fist full of lava, Chuck Norris forged the one ring.

 

Bo, in fact, does NOT know Chuck Norris.

 

It only takes Chuck Norris one roundhouse kick to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll flavored Tootsie Pop.

 

Chuck Norris is capable of delivering a roundhouse kick over standard TCP/IP.

 

Telemarketers do not call Chuck Norris attempting to sell a product. They call asking for forgiveness.

 

The largest prime number is Chuck Norris' boot size.

 

It has been found that the Ebola virus actually originated from Chuck Norris' armpits. Said armpits being the only place dangerous enough to create such a terrible virus.

 

Chuck Norris = mass x acceleration

 

The greatest conquerors of all time, the Mongol Horde, swept across asia, defeating any who dared oppose them. They sacked all of Asia, pillaged eastern Europe, and bore down on western Europe, when they suddenly stopped and went home. What happened? Ghengis Khan heard a rumor that Chuck Norris might be having a drink at a nearby bar, and was afraid of disturbing him.

 

Chuck Norris was relaxing at the beach in Thailand in December, 2004 when he burped. The tidal waves that resulted killed around 300,000 people.

 

Chuck Norris has his cake and eats it too.

 

Chuck Norris was the first man to summit Mount Everest. When Irvine and his sherpa got there, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked them off the peak, and they were never heard from again.

 

The Bermuda Triangle is just the area near Chuck Norris's vacation home in Bermuda. When he practices his roundhouse kicks, nearby planes and boats crash, or fall through portals in time.

 

The 'Red Button' Ronald Reagan had installed in his presidential desk didn't launch nuclear weapons; it launched Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris was traveling through time when he came upon some Neanderthals. One of them looked at Chuck Norris funny, and now there are no more Neanderthals.

 

Woolly Mammoths went extinct after Chuck Norris realized their tusks were good for cleaning out his earwax.

 

Chuck Norris used to use saber-toothed tigers to clean the gunk out from under his fingernails... and now there are no more saber-toothed tigers.

 

They say the explosion of Krakatoa was heard 'round the world. Actually, that was the only time Chuck Norris ever tried doing a whip-kick. Ever since, he's always gone with roundhouse kicks, to avoid destroying the Earth by accident.

 

Back in the olden days, some poor lumberjacks asked Chuck Norris to help them cut down some trees in the Sahara Forest. A single roundhouse kick knocked them all down, and now it's the Sahara Desert.

 

The Chinese built the Great Wall of China to try and keep Chuck Norris out. Of course, it didn't work, and with a single karate chop, Chuck Norris reduced all their wooden houses into little sticks. To this day, Chinese people eat with 'chop sticks' so they'll always remember the price of irritating Chuck Norris.

 

Nobody can find the Loch Ness Monster, because a while ago, Chuck Norris was feeling a bit hungry and ate it. While he was hanging around in Scotland, he visited some of the locals... back then, they all wore pinstriped suits. One of them looked at Chuck Norris funny, and he roundhouse kicked them so hard all their pinstripes turned to plaid. As he was leaving, Chuck Norris spit into a bucket and that was the very first Scotch whisky.

 

Texas is called "The Lone Star State" because Texans know that compared to Chuck Norris, their other celebrities just don't measure up.

 

Scientists collected a single drop of sweat from Chuck Norris' leg after he performed a roundhouse kick. The resulting serum turned out to be the Polio vaccine.

 

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.

 

Chuck Norris' digestive system also functions as an oil refinery.

 

The gallons contained in Chuck Norris' hat rivals infinity.

 

Chuck Norris' beard is the modern day equivalent of chain mail.

 

Chuck Norris can grind metal with his stubble.

 

Chuck Norris set up us the bomb.

 

Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Marbles 'N' Gravel.

 

When Oppenheimer said "I have become death, the destroyer of world." Chuck just laughed....then kicked him in the head.

 

Never play a game of Sorry! with Chuck Norris. It can only end in tears. Yours.

 

Chuck Norris can peel oranges with his eyelids.

 

In a fight between Batman and Superman, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris owns all NFL records including 400 passing rushing and receiving touchdowns each in one season.

 

Upon being denied a McGriddle at McDonald's because it was 10:30, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

 

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

 

Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

 

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

 

Chuck Norris knew that Soylent Green was people.

 

Unicron, Galactus, and Godzilla are just other names for Chuck Norris.

 

All three Laws of Robotics actually end with, "Or suffer the Wrath of Chuck Norris."

 

Chuck Norris likes people of all kinds. He created the whole concept of diversity, because Chuck likes variety. The rainbow was his idea, too.

 

Chuck Norris is the "I" in "team."

 

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. It's descendents are known as Giraffes.

 

Chuck Norris never makes grammatical or spelling errors. He just invents new words and grammatical rules.

 

Chuck Norris CAN teach an old dog new tricks.

 

Chuck Norris wears bear traps on his feet instead of sandals.

 

Chuck Norris once took sleeping pills. They made him blink.

 

Instead of saying "friend" to open up the doors to the Mines of Moria, Gandalf could have just said "Chuck Norris."

 

Chuck Norris expects the Spanish Inquisition.

 

Scientists recently found matter to have three states: Particle, wave and Chuck Norris.

 

All of Chuck Norris' white blood cells have black belts. This is why Chuck Norris never gets sick.

 

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

 

Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

 

When Meat Loaf said that he'd do anything for love, but that he wouldn't do "that," he was talking about looking Chuck Norris directly in the eye.

 

Chuck Norris plays eighteen holes of golf without clubs, and has never scored higher then one. Simply looking at the ball gets a hole in one at every hole, from the first tee.

 

Deserts exist because sometimes Chuck Norris likes to have himself a salad between roundhouse kicks.

 

Land speed records are created by those trying to flee from Chuck Norris.

 

Viruses are afraid of getting Chuck Norris in their inboxes.

 

Chuck Norris can leave home without it.

 

Chuck Norris farts, and we name them. Last year, we got through the whole alphabet, and that Katrina one was particularly nasty.

 

Chuck Norris fell overboard on a cruise. Thailand is still recovering.

 

Chuck Norris isn't in the Olympics. He already completed the events decades ago. Now the athletes of the world gather every 4 years to try to come close to his achievements.

 

There are actually 6 tornado categories: 1-5 and Chuck Norris. What is the Chuck Norris like? Nobody will ever know for sure.

 

Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee actually did fight once. We call it the Big Bang. The dinosaurs gathered to see the rematch, and you know the rest.

 

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret.

 

There's Kilo, Mega, Giga, Tera, Peta, Exa, Zeta, Yotta, and Chuck Norris. Nobody can count that high, however, so it isn't practical to use.

 

Chuck Norris spends hours staring directly into the sun. We call that "night".

 

Chuck Norris once took up gardening, and tried to "Hoe a row". We now call it the Grand Canyon.

 

John Donne was wrong:

Chuck Norris is an island.

 

Chuck Norris consistently wins at Monopoly owning only Marvin's Gardens as property.

 

Chuck Norris was Darth Vader's father.

 

What that guy said "boom goes the dynamite", he was talking about Chuck's roundhouse kicks. He was later found dead in his dressing room with a warning against understatement. Police were unable to press charges because someone glared the security camera into in- operation.

 

Chuck Norris can run a Cray 2 with his mind.

 

When Chuck Norris was 7 seconds old he was reading at a 5th grade level. At 12 seconds he had already published a review of the entire Ayn Rand collection - he found it clichŽd.

 

The reason the aborigines won't let you take their picture ----> Chuck Norris.

 

When Chuck Norris stares into a mirror, even his reflection knows better than to stare back.

 

The best way to stop a Chuck Norris attack is to play dead. The only SURE way to stop a Chuck Norris attack is to BE dead.

 

Chuck Norris told Dirty Harry, "Yes, I do feel lucky."

 

Chuck Norris knows how to set the clock on the VCR.

 

Chuck Norris' infamous roundhouse kick is our first and only line of defense vs. an asteroid impact on earth.

 

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Chuck Norris kick to the head.

 

Chuck can be both Smokey and The Bandit at the same time.

 

Chuck Norris can breathe in and out at the same time, when he needs to breathe at all, which is never.

 

4 out of 5 dentists surveyed recommend not getting Chuck Norris angry. The fifth one? Chuck Norris.

 

Did you know that the Moon doesn't actually revolve around the Earth? It revolves around Chuck Norris. It says in its orbit because every time it starts to drift off, he punches a new crater on its surface.

 

Did you know that Chuck Norris was once admitted to the hospital for minor surgery? The doctors and nurses had to use special instruments and wear protective clothing because the blood in his veins was so ice cold.

 

Did you know that it was Chuck Norris who actually ordered the invasion of Iraq? He discovered that Iraqi scientists had been working on a secret plan to imbue Saddam Hussein with a beard of even more extreme fierceness than his. They nearly succeeded. Saddam's life was only saved when US troops rescued him after Chuck Norris had viciously kicked him directly into the ground.

 

Did you know that they were not called the "martial arts" until Chuck Norris came along? Before that, they were referred to merely as the "martial crafts."

 

Did you know that Chuck Norris once made the Kessel Run in less than 6 parsecs. In fact, it was less than 4.

 

Chuck Norris once delivered a baby in the back seat of a taxi cab. He delivered it a roundhouse kick to the sternum.

 

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

 

Chuck Norris can win Scrabble even when the only letters he has left are Q, X and Z.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't get spammed.

 

Chuck Norris now has the Chuck Norris Grill, similar to the George Foreman Grill, but instead of knocking out the fat, it roundhouse kicks out the fat and then grills the meat to the temperature of a million suns.

 

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

 

Chuck Norris is not afraid of the dark. The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris lathers and rinses, but doesn't have to repeat.

 

Chuck Norris swallows his gum.

 

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In the Library. With a roundhouse kick."

 

Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.

---

Chuck Norris' Only Known Enemy:

When the Chuck Norris is dead, Magua will eat his heart.
Before he dies, Magua will put his children under the knife,
so the Chuck Norris will know his seed is wiped out forever.